Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Worry

It has been four days now since my dad has called me.  I know today was his procedure for them to take a sample of his bone marrow and basically have felt ill all day.  I know he would do nothing but worry and definitely not sleep at all last night, not that he has had a good sleep now at night since they diagnosed him with his CMML.

I've stated before my dad was always a strong man ... in that I mean he could basically take anything that anyone threw at him and get past it.  But since he was diagnosed, he has not slept well at night and sometimes doesn't sleep at all.  He has asked the doctor's for sleeping pills, many who stated they didn't want to give him any because of  "his condition" and the fact that they don't mix well with the drugs he is on.  So let's just not allow him to sleep!  I know now he does nothing but worry about it and I'm not sure if he is afraid that he just won't wake up, the fact that he had to place my mom into a nursing home and is no longer by her side, or why he doesn't sleep anymore.  He tells me he just lies in bed at night.  I again try to put a positive spin onto this and inform him that at least he is getting rest.  He finally had his specialist agree to give him sleeping pills.  I am not sure if I was relieved by this news or not, even though it hasn't helped him at all.  Maybe it is just a placebo ... you just never know.

He states he hates being in the suite and staring at the 4 walls.  Gosh, I never really thought of life that way.  My dad was always so sociable and when mom and I would go shopping he would sit in the mall and meet everyone and have made a dozen new friends by the time we left.  He would go and have coffee every day when he retired just to be with the "guys".  Where has that gone?  Like he keeps telling me, it sucks to get old.

A few years ago when I went home, we had to make a trip to the funeral home.  It was time to get the arrangements all made to make my life easier.  I was the one in tears and he was the one who was laughing and smiling about the type of urn to purchase, announcements and pictures.  Maybe that was his way of coping through it, and although both my mom and dad have tried for many years now to prepare me for their death, again, I will never be ready.  I am then the one who does not sleep and worries. 

I hope he calls me later tonight.  I just need to know that everything is ok.  I have over the years fought with both mom and dad regarding the fact they don't tell me things that are happening that would in one way or another affect me.  They always stated they didn't want me to have to worry.  They still don't seem to realize that not making a call is more of a worry not knowing than making a call and telling me what has or is happening.

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