Tuesday, September 28, 2010

My Birthday

It's my birthday and what a great way to enjoy it. 

My mom called last night and the first thing she asked was "so what did you think of the assessment"?  I told her I wasn't sure what she was talking about, but an assessment was done on dad late in the afternoon and I had not been informed of anything. 

My call came this morning.  The coordinator who assessed dad stated he still was not considered heavy enough care for a nursing home.  Although he has lost more weight since she saw him in July, has difficulty walking, he can still get down for his meals, dress himself and seems quite coherent.  She said she talked with him for over an hour and he kept saying how happy and excited he is that I will be home this Saturday.  My questions again arose about what is it that makes someone "qualify" (for lack of a better word) for a nursing home.  She said the one thing is incontinence and/or memory loss. 

Everything she told me that my dad said to her, I informed her that he was my dad and I know him well and am much like him.  Yes, this sounds confusing, but we have always been a family that never relies on anyone and always tries to get through the tough times on our own.  Mom and dad were always very private people.  I think I noted in a posting that it was difficult to get them to tell me when things were in array.  My dad is a proud man and very independent and wants to be that way.  He didn't agree he needed home care nor going into a personal care home.  I guess these are decisions we will have to make when I get there. 

She told me this would be my toughest time coming home.  She said in a much quieter voice he started tearing up and said to her "I'm ready to die".  "I've had a good life and it is time to go."  I told her I was feeling that.  That's the reason I made arrangements to go home.  He has asked me to stay for a month and for some reason I feel that is all he has left in him. 

I'm scared.  Gosh there have not been many times in my life I can say that.  Thoughts run through my head about whether or not I get airplane tickets for the kids to come home with me.  But I am my father's daughter.  Again, I will do this on my own and not put my children through seeing their grandfather in a way I do not want them to see him.  He is frail and now cannot hold back the tears.  He too is scared.  Somehow we both have to get some final things completed and then I can pray for the best.  Am I being selfish wanting to be alone with him?  Definitely not how I was brought up, but something tells me this is our time.

The Doctor put him on a drug called Hydroxyurea.  She had never heard of it.  I told her that my dad said it had just been approved in Canada and when he went to pick it up at the drugstore, they never had any and had to order it in.  So now my research begins on this drug, which has been around for many years, just maybe not in that amazing country of Canada.  As I continue to research it, I will post more about it. 

Today I turned 51.  I look back on my life and the many great memories I have, and those people I have allowed into my life who truly are remarkable people.  I think of the many times my mom and dad have told me to live my life to the fullest each and every day and surround myself with those people who will be there for me, no matter what.  There's not a lot of those kind of people around it seems. Too many are selfish and think only of themselves and "what's in it for me" or want to know what might be better for them.  My heart breaks when someone I know well has a life altering moment, but my heart also fills with happiness when something good happens to them.  I would give the world to those I cherish as my friends, they know that, they can count on me, and we have wonderful relationships because we are truly one of the same.  I already know who will be there for me for the right reasons when my mom and dad die.

Life is a gift.  People come in and out of our lives everyday, and only a few remain along the way.

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