A week

How many times does one think they wish they could re-do some of the past either to improve upon or change?  I know I have thought this many times and wished I had spent and appreciated my parents at a younger age than I did. 

My dad and I never had a great relationship, probably because he was always the one who did the punishing and as a child and teenager would dread waiting for him to come home from work to see what it would be.  It was my mom who many years later ensured that we had a father/daughter relationship and I am so happy she did that as I'm not sure how I would have done that on my own.  My dad always hated talking on the telephone and my mom made him start calling me and his brothers and sisters prior to their deaths.

It has been over a week since I spoke to dad.  Some of this my fault because I have been away, but again I hate making that call not knowing where he will be and not wanting him to rush to the phone and potentially fall.  However, today I did when I arrived back in Ohio. 

The phone rang many times and the first thought was he fell.  I would feel so awful knowing it was my fault.  After the 10th or 11th ring he finally answered with such a fragile voice.  I always say "how's my daddy"!  He said he felt horrible and needless to say panic rushes through me. 

So I asked why.  He stated he had 3 bags of blood and a bag of platelets this week along with his bone marrow test.  The doctor also put him on this drug, which he has now been on for 3 days, and along with his foot still hurting, he feels awful.  The need for this drug to start working is immediate.  He has had a transfusion every week for the past 4 weeks now and that is not good for a person.  My heart is now in my throat.  What do you say?  Where are the positive words I need to give him now.  He also said mom's blood pressure has been going up and down for the past few days and she has not been doing well.  Gosh I know if he dies, she probably will as well if we can't settle things down.

I know I only have 6 days until I will be there to see what I can do.  It will be the longest 6 days of my life and I have had a lot of these.

I have not told my kids what is going on.  My daughter would be in tears and I think I now understand why mom and dad both never told me things until it was a necessity.  It truly isn't about not wanting to bother your children, it is not wanting to upset them perhaps unnecessarily. 

I don't know if I am ready to see how dad looks.  The shock on my face a few years back when he had lost so much weight so quick, was probably hard on him as well.  I don't know how you prepare yourself.

Life is precious.  Family is precious.  Your friends are precious.  I realize each day I am happy for my health and those in my life.  I realize that you need to smile at a stranger in hopes it makes their day brighter. 

I am a very loving person and cannot thank my mom and dad enough for teaching me that.  So many people in this world have a hard time accepting those who are loving.  It is sad.  I truly think we are a small breed, or maybe it is just the way Canadians are brought up, or maybe it is just the way society has now changed and cannot accept it.  I'm not sure. 

If you have had anyone in your family who has had cancer and have had to cope through it with feelings of despair and hopelessness, you will understand this blog.

For my children, I truly hope one day you will understand why I have tried to raise you the way I did.  Although I was harsh, it is a loving way and you have both grown to be wonderful adults. 

Accept those who are different, as you are different to them.  Give of yourself, because that is the most lasting gift of all.  Love those who deserve your love with all your heart.  If they are not acceptant of it, they are truly not deserving of anyone.