Monday, September 13, 2010

My phone call

Tonight was later than normal.  I asked dad how he was and he stated in a solemn voice "not worth a damn".  I hate to hear that.  He was having another nose bleed and had had another in the morning at breakfast time.  My dad is a proud man and these types of things that happen when others are around are hard for him to handle.  He doesn't want people to know he isn't doing well.  I know where I got that part of my being from.

He went to his GP today about his foot.  The doctor has sent a note to the specialist.  Dad asked about it and the doctor said it probably was the leukemia but the specialist would know.  They are also going to do a gout check to make sure it isn't that. 

That feeling of hopelessness builds inside of me.  What can I do to help him?  Why can I not take away all the pain like they would do when I was younger and hurt myself or was sick?  What did my mom and dad do to deserve this?  Why is it that good people always have to suffer so much and those who have no morales seem to never know what true suffering is?

So as I always try to do, cheer my dad up to hear him laugh a bit and get a smile in his voice.  I don't want him to feel my emotions.  I have cried so many times in the past number of years since they both have taken such unhealthy turns.  Never wanted to show them as I need to be there and give them strength not sadness.  Is this a way to make me stronger?  I only wish I could take back some of the years I caused them so much grief. 

Things seem to be going so quick now with dad.  I always said to myself he would pass away before my mom because he did so much for her and never thought of what was needed for him.  Why could we not have such wisdom when we are younger?  Why is cancer such a horrible disease?  Why does dad have to suffer alone ... that's right ... that is the Canadian system.  I love my mom and dad so much that the pain is sometimes so horrible.  They are my best friends in the world and have always been there for me ... now the tables have turned. 

I only wish there was someone to talk to about this horrible disease.  I don't want pity ... only more knowledge.  I only want to know where in this circle of events my father's disease is truly at.  It is so scary.  I don't ever want that phone call, but know one day I will receive it and although they have both tried to prepare me for this, I am not prepared.

The feelings of hopelessness.

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