Tuesday, December 7, 2010

October 12th, 2010 - Visits with Doctor's

With a 2 hour time change needless to say I don't sleep much.  After being with dad the day before, I went to see mom to let her know how he was doing.  It's difficult trying not to upset someone and letting her know that as soon as he is up to it I would take her to see him.  Dad had mentioned he didn't want mom up yet.  I keep wondering if it was truly the fact that he didn't want her to see him like this, the fact that it would be difficult on her and with her condition, not a good thing, or if he was just concerned that it was a burden on me, which I kept informing him it wasn't.

Arriving at the hospital early in the morning, the first doctor I saw was the orthopedic surgeon.  RUH is a training hospital so needless to say when the doctor's come around to visit, they bring students with them.  After listening to him discuss dad's case with the student's, I asked some questions regarding the shoulder and the outcome.  He stated to me that they could not do surgery and they were going to let it heal.  They would start some physio on it and try to keep dad as comfortable as possible.  I asked him about his vitals and the doctor stated that I would have to discuss this with the other doctor.  Dad has other issues that are more pressing than the shoulder.  What the hell did he mean by that?  I looked at him and he said you will have to wait to discuss this with them.

Ok, so I go back to the nurses and ask who I need to speak with.  They stated that there was a staff physician who was also looking after dad.  Nice to find that out now.  So, when do I get to talk to him?  I was informed he would be in that morning.  When dad would sleep, I would walk up and down the hallways and go and get coffee.  Being on the 5th floor was probably a good thing for me as the stairwell to the main level was my opportunity to get rid of excess energy (or stress) and since the elevators took forever, it was the better choice.

The staff physician arrived and he went through the course of what was going on.  He stated that his blood levels were still not good.  They had transfused dad with 2 units already and had no idea where the blood was going.  His hemoglobin was still down, the white cell count was still up and the cancer doctor would be in to consult as well today.  His blood pressure continued to stay very low, and I remember being called late in the evening on this day by a nurse who stated that it was so low they were transfusing dad again. 

When the doctor left the bedside I went over and spoke with him and asked him what dad's overall improvement was going to be here.  He looked at me with this puzzled look, and stated to me "I think you know".  I looked back at him and said "I'm not sure what you mean".  He stated the arm was the least of their concerns right now.  With his cancer, the issue of the blood and his vitals being low, you probably know.  I broke down.  The doctor came over to my side and stated he was sorry.  I had to leave the room as I didn't want dad to see me.

The thoughts that run through your head at a time like this are overbearing to say the least.  This is my dad and I don't want to lose him.  I have so many things I still need to do with you and know about you.  How can I take away all this pain.  How can I help you get through this.  Knowing in my mind that the chances of him ever going back to the suite were slim, the one thing I knew is if he got through this, he would be placed into a care home which then he would have better care.

They had given him a bed bath, and tried to move him into another position.  Every time they moved him, he just cried out in pain.  It is so heart wrenching to hear this but my hope was my strength would help him get through it.  Although there were times that he yelled at me, I realize that it wasn't my daddy, and because I was there I would get the brunt of the pain he had to endure.  However, when he was feeling not bad, his joking ways made us all laugh.

Realizing that when he received blood transfusions his BP would elevate to a level within the 90's over 60's, I knew deep in my heart things were not doing good.  When the cancer doctor came in, he stated that they needed to try to get his levels back to some normalcy again, but I have to admit, Dr. Pearson was the only person who seemed to have any care in the world about my dad.

Dad didn't eat much, and when he did he threw it up.  He asked me to give him his "snuff", and at this stage of the game, I didn't care what any of the hospital staff said.  Dad deserved everything and anything he asked for. 

Tuesday ended late for me, as I would stay by his bedside as much as possible.  There is an unbinding love that is here and I have to thank my dad for giving me this.

October 11th, 2010 - The Flight Back

It's been a while since I have blogged and realize the need to continue, which was in the first place, for my children.

Thank goodness for such good friends, those who get you to an airport and then pick you up at an airport.  So off we went to pick up dad's car so I wouldn't have to rely on anyone and then to the hospital.  When I got to the hospital the first thing daddy stated was "what the hell are you doing here"?  Nice welcome.  Oh well, that's my dad!  So you ask him the same question back.  He informed me that he had gotten up to go to the bathroom and fell.  He stated he yelled and pounded on the floor for about 20 minutes until someone heard him and got the staff to come up to the room.  Gosh I wished I hadn't gone home on Saturday and stayed a few more days.  The thought of him lying there with no one to help him made me feel so ill.

Because it was a holiday there were of course no doctor's.  I spoke with the nurses in the intensive care unit that he was in, and they stated that his vitals were not well but I would have to wait until the next day to talk to the doctor.  After asking what time they would be in, I knew the next morning would be an early one, but also was informed that I could come and go as I pleased. 

Dad was receiving blood transfusions, his arm looked horrible, swollen and a bit bruised, and I knew he was in a lot of pain.  Due to the CMML there was a need to be careful with the types of drugs they could give him, as he needed to continue his treatment of oral chemotherapy.

You do everything you can to help make people feel comfortable, but with his right arm shattered at the rotator cuff and his right leg and knee also giving him a lot of pain, it was difficult. 

This however was the continuance of nightmares.